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After The Heartbreak

We all have experienced heartbreak at one point or another in our lives. Some people leave the situation that caused the heartbreak while others stay for valid reasons, but regardless of our decision heartbreak is one of the most difficult feeling to experience because not only we are hurting inside but sadly we are also questioning our identify and self-worth as a person. Among many others, emotions of hurt, sadness, anger, resentment, betrayal, shame, and disappointment are the most common to deal with almost on daily basis. Our focus often shifts from feeling angry towards the person who caused us the hurt to ourselves for trusting the person with all our heart and then blaming ourselves for not seeing the “signs” earlier.


Some people describe the pain to be sharp and stubbing which makes you feel like screaming on top of your lungs while other times it is an ongoing nagging ache that tries to drag us into depression. Sometimes to numb the pain we turn to distractions like alcohol, drugs, and sex in order to forget the agony and at times such behaviour can be harmless; However, more often than not, using the above as coping skills for long period of time can have negative consequences on our health, finances, and our life in general.


Despite the downfall, the process of heartbreak can turn into a journey of self-discovery and spiritual awakening. It might sound poetic but the truth is that heartbreak can be a learning opportunity about ourselves and our purpose in life, therefore, to take that time off in order revisit and re-establish our goals is an investment that worth trying.  There are many ways to help yourself go through the emotions and come out healed but here are a few tips that can be helpful:




An active and constructive way to deal with painful experience is to be able to face and sit in with the emotions wholeheartedly. In other words, avoiding the emotions cannot help us to move on from the experience and therefore, identifying, acknowledging, and validating them can cultivate compassion and release the accumulated negative energy which we feel inside. Allow yourself to feel each and every emotion hidden behind the pain as nothing makes emotions worse than repressing them.


Grief and Self-care


It is okay to mourn the loss of trust and the pain caused by the heartbreak. Let your eyes cry out the tears for a belief which you thought was going to be part of your life for a long time. Allow yourself to grieve and let it hurt for a while, but then bring out the self-compassion tool box to help you recover from those intense emotional moments by performing self-care. Just like a loving mother, send love and affection to yourself. For instance, by bringing a glass of water or talking to yourself with love and kindness such as “You have grieved enough, now rise up again, and let’s give you a warm bath.” Self-care can be different for every person, find out what usually makes you feel calm, relaxed, and grounded? Is it breathing, warm bath, a cup of tea, or a movie night?


Unearth Identity and Creativity


Go back to the root of who you were before the heartbreak happened and find out about your values and belief systems, or even while you were/are in the relationship. What made you interested and curious about the world? Usually that speaks about your values. Some people lose a part of themselves while invested in a relationship and finding that piece is very important now. Many people describe themselves as creative when they were children but somehow along the way they lost the talent. Famous psychotherapist, researcher, and author Dr. Brene Brown suggests that creativity is never lost but is unused and she believes that every person can be creative in their own unique ways. Find what you used to like and enjoyed creating.


Purpose and Meaning


If I told you that you have got only one week to live, what would you do during those seven days? How you would be spending your time?  Generally speaking, we take life for granted and the truth is that life is passing by us so how are you going to make the most out of it? What are some of the goals or meaning that came to your mind on one of those self-reflective days? This is the time to figure out what those goals are and launch yourself into action.


Store the Memory and Heal


Let the experience turn into a memory by identifying what the experience brought to you. There is usually something good in bad situations. What did you learn about yourself? Did the relationship bring the best out of you? In what ways you have grown? Anything to be grateful of? Gratitude can help you heal from the experience and move on with your life. Sometimes people, for example, are thankful that they learned how to become more assertive by not allowing others to walk all over them and other times they are grateful for having beautiful children from the relationship.


You are Human!


That day when your period is due, or your boss yelled at you for no reason, or you did not have enough sleep and you did not eat your lunch, the thought of “My life sucks, there’s no point, it is worthless, I am worthless” will come and re-visit you. Be prepared because after all, you are human and none of the above tips will help you 100% of the time. Have your breakdown moment, it is okay to feel sorry for yourself, but then rise up again and repeat the steps all over again because at the end of the day success is the accumulation of all the attempts you have made so far.

However, it is understandable why it is challenging to get through a heartbreak experience because sometimes heartbreaks are too difficult to handle all by yourself and it is normal to feel too drained to move on to the next step. In those moments, a good friend or a skilled therapist can be helpful. If you feel that you are in need of such help, book your appointment with your therapist calgary  today.


Khobi Attai, MA, specializes the areas of personal growth and well-being, as well as a variety of other subjects. For more information on Khobi and her work, click here to link to her full bio page