When I first experienced counselling as a client, I remember being asked, “What are your feelings about this?” My response was typically a lengthy description like, “I feel like I’m not handling things well because I’m overworking and have no time to decompress” or “I feel like everything is just so hard.” My therapist gently pointed out that these were thoughts instead of feelings. I was confused. And why did it matter?
My therapist helped me understand that I was describing my perceptions and opinions about the situation, which are thoughts. Thoughts are information we generate in our mind about ourselves, others, and the world around us. They are the stories we construct.
Feelings, on the other hand, are related to emotional responses. When a situation triggers emotions, we typically experience physiological changes, body sensations, and behavioural urges. Feelings are simply words we put to the sensations that arise – for example: sad, angry, frustrated, jealous, happy, or calm.
I was so used to being in my head and overthinking, that I assumed the ideas on my mind were feelings. The problem with confusing thoughts and feelings is that addressing negative thoughts is different from addressing difficult feelings. Thoughts and feelings can both contribute to being stuck, and one can influence the other. For example, when I think that I’m not handling things well or not living up to expectations, I might feel embarrassed or ashamed. My main problem is that I often avoided uncomfortable feelings. I tended to stuff them deep down, so I was barely aware of them, let alone able to manage them. But tamping down feelings ultimately results in them hijacking us later on, which was the case with me. I was dealing with shame, anger, frustration, and sadness, which resulted in me lashing out at my family or coping in unhealthy ways when stressed.
So, I had to learn about feelings and what to do about them. I realized this was difficult when emotions can escalate from zero to one hundred in a blink, and reactions such as yelling can seem automatic. To stop reacting so quickly and start responding more reasonably, I needed to slow down and build awareness. Here is what I learned through my personal and professional journey which I hope can be of help to you.
- Typically, there is a trigger or event that brings about emotions. As a tip, reflect on some past events and write down your emotional triggers in order to recognize and prepare for situations that elicit strong reactions.
- In an emotional response, physical sensations in the body will arise, such as tension, tingling, heat, coolness, or numbness. Start to notice your own body sensations in response to triggers. They are often warning signs for the fight, flight or freeze response being activated.
- There might also be an accompanying urge, like wanting to shout, cry, fight, or put up walls. Figure out what urges come up for you in difficult situations and whether you give into them or resist. Think about what would be the most helpful thing to do in the moment.
Once you have this awareness, you can start to manage difficult feelings.
- Label the feeling. Feelings are typically expressed in short descriptions such as anger, frustration, or fear. Studies have shown that simply labeling a feeling can help to diminish its hold on you. This is what the saying “name it to tame it” refers to.
- When you notice emotions escalating, take a break and try self-soothing. One simple thing to do is to take several deep breaths, making the exhale longer than the inhale to induce a calming effect.
- Emotions are constantly changing, so you won’t feel this way forever. Acknowledge the difficulty of the situation, feel your feelings for a little bit (or a lot if that’s more helpful), then see if you can do something different to change your mood. Often distractions such as listening to music or going for a walk can help you ride out the tough feelings and move forward.
- Recognize your urges and consider alternative actions that can make things better (or at least not make things worse).
- Process your emotions. This could involve talking to someone you trust, reaching out to a distress line, or seeking counselling.
I encourage you to try out some of these tips if you experience emotional escalation that might be creating difficulties in your life.
