Resentment rarely arrives suddenly. It builds quietly, often through repeated moments of disconnection. Missed moments between partners that leave one or both feeling unseen, unheard, unvalued. Resentment is tied to negative sentiment override – a state in which partners interpret even neutral or positive interactions through a lens of hurt and hostility (Hawkins et al., 2002). An honest mistake is interpreted through this negative filter, cultivating a critical voice that says, “You don’t care about me”. Over time, partners stop giving each other the benefit of the doubt.
Resentment thrives in silence. When couples avoid addressing feelings of hurt, they learn to turn away from each other. Drs. John and Julie Gottman (2016) emphasized that resentment is not just about the conflict itself but about the absence of repair and connection after conflict. Unraveling resentment requires leaning into vulnerability – choosing openness, repair, and emotional responsiveness despite the hurt.
How Resentment Blocks Vulnerability
We are naturally wired to seek safety and self-preservation. When hurt goes unacknowledged, partners may learn to protect themselves by withdrawing or building emotional barriers. Vulnerability feels risky, terrifying even – why open up if past attempts have been met with rejection? Resentment often hides the deeper needs between partners; core needs such as validation, appreciation, and connection are buried beneath.
Turning Toward Instead of Away
Relationships are built not on grand gestures but on everyday bids for connection (Gottman & DeClaire, 2001). A bid might be as small as a smile, a question, or a touch that invites attention. When partners turn toward these bids – responding with warmth, curiosity, or support – they strengthen trust and intimacy. Turning toward bids for connection builds the couple’s emotional attunement to one another. Couples who consistently turn toward each other build a reservoir of positive interactions that helps buffer against conflict, preventing resentment from taking root.
When partners turn away – ignoring, dismissing, or responding against a bid for connection – they lay the bricks that form the wall of resentment.
Turning toward your partner’s bids for connection means:
- Acknowledging small moments: looking up when your partner speaks or asking follow-up questions to deepen the conversation.
- Responding with interest: verbal or non-verbal cues that tell your partner you are present.
- Repairing after conflict: using humour, check-ins, or gentle words to de-escalate tension.
Leaning Into Vulnerability – Practical Steps for Couples
- Notice bids for connection. Pause when your partner sighs, asks a question, or makes a comment. These are invitations to turn toward.
- Name the deeper need. Instead of staying stuck in surface complaints, dig a little deeper and ask: “What does this mean to you?” This invites dialogue and reveals the values beneath the conflict.
- Cultivate daily rituals of connection. Whether it’s a morning coffee together or a bedtime check-in, these small moments build resilience against resentment.
Conflict is inevitable in relationships, and resentment is a signal that partners have turned away from each other’s bids for connection. Unraveling resentment begins with turning toward instead of away, with the courage and commitment to lean into vulnerability. By attuning to each other, couples can reframe resentment into renewed intimacy.
Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2016). Gottman method couples therapy, Level 1 clinical training manual. The Gottman Institute.
Gottman, J. M., & DeClaire, J. (2001). The relationship cure: A 5-step guide to building better connections with family, friends, and lovers. Harmony.
Hawkins, M. W., Carrere, S., & Gottman, J. M. (2002). Marital Sentiment Override: Does It Influence Couples’ Perceptions? Journal of Marriage and Family, 64(1), 193–201. https://doi.org/0.1111/j.1741-3737.2002.00193.x
