When we look through the lens of attachment, we can better understand the behaviours, emotional reactions, and relational patterns that show up in our lives today. Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby, is grounded in the idea that human beings are biologically wired for connection. From the very beginning of life, we rely on close relationships, mainly from our primary caregivers, not just for survival, but for a foundational sense of safety, belonging, and emotional regulation. When our early attachment needs are met, we are more likely to experience a general sense of well-being and security in the world.
When secure attachment is freely available to babies and young children, they feel safe enough to explore their environment with curiosity and confidence. The caregiver becomes a reliable, secure base to return to when a child experiences distress, and a place where comfort and reassurance are consistently offered. Over time, these experiences are internalized, and the feeling of safety becomes a blueprint of how an individual sees the world. This then allows the child to grow into their potential with a sense of trust in themselves, others, and the world around them. The need for attachment and connection is not something we outgrow. Attachment needs remain a fundamental part of being human across the lifespan, and the relationships typically shift to friendships and partners. When this need is not met early on, individuals often continue searching for security and connection in adulthood, sometimes in ways that feel confusing, painful, or self-defeating. If you find yourself questioning why you continually repeat relationship patterns that feel painful, toxic, and end in heartache, exploring your attachment could give you insightful information and help you find a way forward.
Attachment styles are not conscious choices we make; they are intelligent and adaptive strategies developed in response to the relational environments we grew up in. They form based on the patterns of care, not perfect parenting. If caregivers were generally warm, consistent, and emotionally attuned, and able to respond to a child’s needs with sensitivity and repair when mistakes were made, then a secure attachment style is more likely to develop. Secure attachment is experienced internally as an ability to self-soothe, tolerate distress, and trust that one’s needs matter. This inner sense of safety becomes a lens through which the world is viewed, shaping friendships, romantic relationships, parenting, work life, and one’s relationship with self.
If caregivers were emotionally unavailable, inconsistent, overwhelmed, distant, or abusive, the child’s nervous system adapts accordingly. The child learns that closeness in relationships feels unsafe, unreliable, or conditional. When parenting in this way occurs, insecure attachment styles can develop, including anxious, avoidant, or disorganized attachment. Each of these styles represents a different way of attempting to stay connected while minimizing emotional pain or threat. Core beliefs are formed, such as “I am not seen,” “I am not safe,” or “I am too much or not enough.” We then spend our lives repeating these cycles, entering relationships that feel unsafe, or with an emotionally absent partner, because it feels familiar to our nervous systems, and we interpret that as love. Unconscious beliefs may also cause us to believe that nobody else may love us, so we may as well accept what we can get.
As mentioned previously, these early relational blueprints do not stay confined to childhood. They echo throughout adult life, influencing how we cope with stress, how we handle conflict, how we give and receive love, and how we see ourselves. Behavioural patterns such as people-pleasing, perfectionism, workaholism, emotional shutdown, difficulty trusting others, challenges with boundaries, or struggles with emotional regulation often emerge from an underlying sense of insecurity rather than personal failure. At their core, these patterns are attempts to maintain connection and protect oneself from rejection, abandonment, or harm.
The good news, and the hope, is that attachment styles are not fixed for life. Understanding your attachment style is an important step toward awareness, healing, and growth. With insight comes the opportunity to respond differently to yourself and to others. One can earn an inner security through self-reflection, therapy, emotionally safe relationships, mindfulness, and self-compassion. Healing often happens in a relationship, where new experiences of consistency, attunement, and repair can gently reshape old patterns. Before growth can occur, we must first become aware of the patterns that are playing out in our lives. With awareness, curiosity, and support, it becomes possible to make more intentional choices; choices that move us toward greater safety, connection, and authenticity in how we relate to ourselves and to those around us. So, if you find yourself wondering why you keep repeating relationship patterns that lead to pain, toxicity, or heartbreak, exploring your attachment style may offer valuable insight and open a path toward change and a greater sense of security.
