Have you ever been stressed and gone to a friend, family member or partner to get support, and instead of listening, they jump straight to problem-solving? This is a common response because people tend to want to “fix” the issue for someone they care about. However, what you might have needed most was a listening ear and to simply vent about your stressor. So, when someone rushes to fix the problem, you are left feeling unheard and unsupported.
In the context of couples, repeated occurrence of this communication pattern can lead to frustration in both parties and even resentment. To overcome this challenge, consider the following if you are looking for support:
- Reflect on what you’re really looking for. Are you hoping to get some relief by talking it out? Are you looking for empathy and validation from the other person? Are you also looking for some advice or guidance?
- Express to the other person what you specifically want. A helpful way to frame the conversation is to say, “I am just looking to vent and I need you to listen.” Or perhaps it’s, “I want you to hear me out, and then help me brainstorm some ways to handle this situation.”
- If your partner jumps to giving advice or solving the problem and you don’t feel heard, consider that they likely have good intentions. Also consider that most people don’t like to see their loved ones suffering, so they want to do anything they can to stop the negative emotions. If you require more listening than fixing, acknowledge your partner’s effort and gently remind them of your needs. This could sound like, “I see you’re trying to help in your own way. Right now, I need you to hear me and validate how hard things are instead of problem-solving.”
If you are the partner or person listening, here are some tips to effectively support your loved one:
- Listening is about hearing what a person is saying, feeling, and needing. It’s about understanding the pain behind the words and allowing the person to feel what they feel without trying to minimize or take it away. Even if it’s uncomfortable as a listener to see someone you care about struggling, the most effective thing is often to just listen and acknowledge their reality.
- Try to reflect back to the person what you heard and validate their feelings. This is so powerful in creating understanding and connection within a relationship. Validation can be something like, “You were in a tough situation, and it’s understandable that you would be angry.”
- If you’re not clear about what your loved one needs, take the initiative to clarify. An easy way to do this is to ask, “Are you venting, problem solving, or both?”
Even if a person is looking to problem-solve, often there is a desire to feel heard and understood first, so these above steps can be helpful in many situations. This approach not only applies to couples, but can be used with friends and family members.
For people who struggle to do this on their own, sometimes a third party can help with improving communication. Living Well Counselling can support individuals, couples and families through these types of challenges.
