Many of us are uncomfortable with difficult emotions. So what do we tend to do? We sometimes push them away, distract ourselves, or pretend they are not there. We might do this with our own emotions as well as when others come to us with their problems.
Why do we do this?
Many of us have been taught to “suck it up”, “don’t cry”, or “don’t dwell on it” when facing difficult emotions. The message is that having big or vulnerable emotions signals weakness. Often, we are not taught the skills to face or accept difficult feelings in ourselves or others. This tends to be a generational challenge where our parents and parents’ parents did not know much about emotional awareness or regulation, so they could not pass on such skills.
Another reason for avoiding difficult emotions is a societal push to embrace positivity. There is certainly great power in positivity, and it can be harmful to be stuck in negative thoughts and feelings for prolonged periods of time. However, simply focusing on the positive and ignoring the tough stuff usually does not make things better in the long run.
What can we do instead of denying or avoiding tough emotions?
- Shift from judging difficult emotions as “bad” and to “emotions offer information about ourselves”. For example, if we feel especially strongly about something, such as anger or sadness over conflict with a loved one, it often tells us that it is important. So emotions alert us to pay attention to things that matter.
- Assess if an emotion and subsequent thoughts or actions are appropriate for the situation. For instance, when a loved one passes away, sadness, despair and tears are absolutely appropriate reactions. Relief as a response is also understandable if your loved one was in pain and their passing means an end to their suffering. But if you have a difference in opinion from a peer and feel intense rage resulting in screaming at them, that may not be a proportional reaction for the situation.
- If your emotions are appropriate to the situation, acknowledge them and let them be. Feeling our emotions can actually enable us to move forward faster and in a healthier way. Avoiding or stuffing emotions deep down will usually not help in the long-term because holding in difficult emotions can negatively affect one’s physical and mental wellbeing and often ends with the emotions resurfacing later in a problematic way.
- If your emotions are way out of proportion to the situation, it can be helpful to examine what else is going on to trigger the reaction. Getting to the root can then help you tackle the real issue.
So how do we acknowledge and process difficult emotions in a healthy way?
We can lean into emotions by naming them, reflecting on where they come from, validating and accepting their presence, and self-soothing. Most emotions do ebb and flow – they are typically not permanent. The saying “this too shall pass” aptly describes this concept.
One technique for managing big emotions is “riding the wave”. This approach invites us to liken our emotions to waves in the ocean where there are peaks and dips as it moves toward the shore. Fighting your emotion is like trying to fight against the wave – it will only exhaust you and increase the chance of being swallowed up by the wave or problem. Instead, imagine yourself riding along with the wave, feeling the rise and fall that may be scary but knowing it will eventually bring you to shore where you will once again feel grounded and comfortable. This technique is one among many mindfulness practices that can help us accept and work through tough emotions. If you’re interested, the therapists at Living Well can guide you through similar practices.
When it comes to handling the difficult emotions of other people, instead of trying to fix things or rescue them from their pain, allowing them to feel it, ride their own wave, or talk about it is typically a quicker way to help them work their way through it. Therapy is also an option to help you learn to hold space for others’ emotions.
